And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
