well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
