and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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