my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
