You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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