I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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