All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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