i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
pop tarts are not kleenex
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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