My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
