Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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