I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
