I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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