Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
