Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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