I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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