The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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