Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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