Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
