honey bunches of taint.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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