it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
