i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
