i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
