well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
