I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
