I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
