True but thats because hes a fetus.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
