You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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