I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
