I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
