Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
