Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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