Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
