Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize