Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
