i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
