If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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