The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
