Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just blew my weed a kiss
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
