I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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