just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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