I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
