Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
