he told me I talked like a deaf person
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
COCAINE IS GR8
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize