I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize