Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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