Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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