No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
