We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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