i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
