youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
