We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
