My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
