Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
