If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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