I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
