my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
