My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
