yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
